Are you taking things too personally at work?

Sometimes, these feelings arise if you’re ignored or criticized at work. Susan Nicolai, a communications consultant and content creator, felt upset after being removed from a work project. “As a person who wears emotions on her sleeve, it’s hard to hide how I’m feeling,” she says. During a work meeting, Nicolai confessed she was struggling to learn the technology of a particular platform. Shortly after expressing her concerns, she says she was labeled incompetent and pulled from the project.

Nicolai experienced a backlash after she was honest, even though creative problem-solving at work is believed to increase when employees are encouraged to share their feelings, according to a study in Organization Science. “I’ve found [that] despite all the talk about vulnerability, the expression of some emotions—such as being overwhelmed or even temporarily frustrated—has had negative consequences for me,” she says.

She’s not alone in struggling to stay positive after the incident. Not looking on the bright side is only natural, it seems. A 2020 study on our brains revealed that humans have over 6,000 thoughts per day, and an article by TLEX, a company devoted to helping employees discover their inspiration and creativity, credits the National Science Foundation with finding that 80% of our thoughts are negative. So it’s easy to understand why we jump to unfavorable conclusions.

Nicolai was determined to shake this incident off and, with practice and experience, she’s learning to let go and not take things too personally at work.

It can be a struggle to change your mindset. So Frederik Imbo, a coach, speaker, and trainer, took up refereeing soccer matches not just to stay in shape, but to train his brain to handle criticism well. With sports fans constantly yelling at him and criticizing his decisions, he’s learning to have a thicker skin.

This has gone so well he even has a TEDx Talk on the topic. “We strive for recognition and appreciation for who we are and what we do,” he says. It’s only human to desire validation, and we have a strong urge to be right. “The last thing our ego wants is to be rejected,” Imbo says.

Rejection comes in many forms. “You’re in a meeting with colleagues sharing your thoughts. As you do, a few people start talking amongst themselves, and then you see someone scrolling on their phone,” he says. If this makes you cringe in recognition, know that your coworkers aren’t doing this to annoy you. “They just don’t realize their behavior is disrespectful,” Imbo says. “They’re busy with something else because they need a distraction or have something to discuss. You have to remember that their behavior is not directed against you.”

When it’s just business: How to develop a thicker skin at work

Off the soccer field, Imbo is the founder of Imboorling, a company that helps organizations and people collaborate and communicate better. Here he and Nicolai share some tips on how to make sure you don’t take offense when none is intended:

1. Remember you’re more than your job title

There’s more to life than work—and that is certainly true for most Americans who put family first, according to a recent survey by the Pew Research Center. In it, 76% of 18- to 29-year-olds rate career success as ‘very important’ compared to 51% of people 65 and older. This suggests that career success becomes less important with age. The same report found spending time with family is important to 91% of Americans. “You are not your job title or your accomplishments,” Nicolai says.

2. Switch your thinking from yourself to others

Shifting perspective can help you not to take a comment or a criticism to heart. “Focus on the other person’s positive intention,” Imbo says. “What need was the other person trying to fulfill?”

If someone is looking at their phone while you are speaking in a meeting, try not to feel sorry for yourself. Instead of thinking, ‘I’m boring.’ Tell yourself, ‘They must have received an urgent text,’ or, ‘Wow, they’re taking notes during my presentation!’ Don’t let the immediate narrative in your head be negative and all about yourself. “By discovering why the other person did what they did, we can see that it had nothing to do with us,” says Imbo.

3. Talk it out

Consider having a conversation with the person who offended you. Tell them how you feel without placing blame on them. “The more vulnerable you make yourself, the more easily the other person will take your message,” Imbo says. What they say to you or do in reply says something about them, but how you react tells you something about yourself.

4. Take responsibility

Don’t blame other people for your thoughts and feelings. They don’t make you feel a certain way; you determine how you feel. “The other person is not to blame, only the trigger,” he says. “This is your sensitive spot.” How you internalize what your coworkers say and do results in your feelings and emotions, but you’re in charge of those feelings and emotions. “Resilience is stimulated by encouraging people to take responsibility for their feelings,” Imbo says. In the society we live in, a victim mindset is encouraged over taking responsibility for our feelings, he says. But we don’t have to be victims. “All the negativity in the world can’t touch you unless you let it,” Imbo says. It’s a choice we need to make for our own good.

Photo: Welcome to the Jungle

Follow Welcome to the Jungle on Facebook, LinkedIn, and Instagram, and subscribe to our newsletterto get our latest articles every week!