7 jobs for people who don’t like people

Teamwork isn’t always dream work. Not everyone wants to use their bubbly, good mood to create a positive work environment. We don’t all like getting the latest gossip at lunch, or forcing a permanent smile (especially when the boss starts telling lame jokes), and don’t get me started on foosball.

So for those of us who are more Wednesday Addams than Snow White, how can you survive in the jungle of the working world? Here’s an amusing (and cliché-ridden) selection of jobs for antisocial humans.

Archivist

Do you enjoy an organized and well-controlled working environment? Like windowless rooms, the smell of old books, and a light layer of dust? If so, then this is the job for you. Your daily routine will involve collecting, studying, filing, restoring, and sending documents for a company or public institution. From highly precious papyrus scrolls to the latest black and white printed notary acts, this job is a whole lot of fun (for people like you, that is).

Top tip: the rest of the company has no idea archivists even exist for the most part (whoop!) However, if you’re unlucky enough to be invited to the Christmas party or annual retreat, pretend there’s a massive set of documents arriving and they need filing urgently. Channel your best acting skills and say, “I’ve got 120 files coming in that I need to read and file if you can give me a hand, and then I could make the retreat. No? Oh, that’s a shame. Well, there’s always next year.” Phew, you’re saved!

Taxidermist

A taxidermist’s job is to make an animal’s corpse look like a living thing. Delightful. It’s not a profession we consider often, but it has a double bonus for the antisocial: not only do you get to deal with animals instead of humans, but they won’t be very chatty animals either. Your feathered and furry friends will never tell you you’re in the wrong or steal your lunch from the fridge, nor bore you to sleep with tales of their latest vacation. You’ll be free to focus on your inner peace and concentrate on restoring an ancient art that—let’s be real—is barely kept alive by hipsters and DIY lovers.

Top tip: If the fox starts replying when you speak to it, it’s time to change jobs.

Night security

If you’ve ever seen the masterpiece that is “Night at the Museum” then you already know everything there is to know about this job. You’ll be keeping an eye on public buildings or business premises while everyone else is asleep. Yep, pretty much the holy grail for the antisocial human lurking within you. Not only do you get to avoid all interactions with other people, there’s another bonus too, and it’s not to be sniffed at: you get to walk around incredible places without the insufferable crowds of tourists and their Instagram poses getting in the way. Honestly, what could be nicer than strolling around a museum, sharing a bite to eat with Tutankhamun’s mummy between circuits?

Top Tip: Note that Tutankhamun is very picky about cleanliness, so no wiping your greasy hands on his bandages. And sweep up your crumbs before you move on. Thanks.

Graphic designer

Yes, you can be antisocial AND creative. A graphic designer works with images and can be called upon at any stage of the creation process: design, execution, or printing. You’ll mostly work from home and talk to people via email, so you can keep social interactions to a strict minimum. But that’s not all! As you come under the title of “artist” in the eyes of your colleagues, you can dress however you like, wear a weird hat inside, and listen to as much indie music as you like—all without receiving any snarky comments.

Top Tip: If you end up having to take part in a meeting with other humans, take a drawing pad with you and doodle away your frustration and impatience. As a graphic designer, you can call it an “artistic outlet.”

Accountant

This profession involves recording a company’s day-to-day investments, receipts, and spending. Although your predecessors may have hidden in a windowless office in the basement, today you’re more likely to be working in an open space. But there is one saving grace: you get to work with your friends, the numbers. Numbers are reliable, they don’t lie and they don’t answer back. Trembling with delight at the sound of it? This is what you were born to do.

Top tip: If a chatty colleague tries to talk to you, look away while murmuring numbers beneath your breath, that should put them off.

Developer

As a developer, you’re a less vintage model of the accountant. You’ve simply replaced their screen full of numbers with screens full of numbers AND letters, discouraging even more people from trying to understand exactly what it is you do. Well played. Another great benefit, your particular status gives you the right to sidestep the company dress code and ditch the tie in favor of a cult T-shirt. “Bazinga!” as Sheldon Cooper, king of antisocial humans from “The Big Bang Theory” would say.

Top tip: Make sure your cult tee isn’t considered too mainstream, like Pokemon or Naruto. An over-enthusiastic colleague might decide you have something in common and try to strike up a conversation (yikes).

Actuary

An actuary evaluates the risk of various scenarios on behalf of insurance companies. It’s a job that combines the (respectable) joy of solitude with the (less respectable) joy of analyzing all the awful events that might happen to your fellow humans. Neighbor’s car broken down? It’s your fault that the repairs won’t be covered (evil laugh). That’ll teach them to honk their horn at 6am every morning when they leave for work.

Top tip: Don’t tell your neighbor that you’re partially responsible for their terrible insurance policy (that said, if they break one of your teeth, you no doubt have stellar health insurance in place, right?).

Haven’t found anything in our list that makes your heart sing? Don’t worry, there are plenty of other jobs where antisocial humans can blossom. You could be a data analyst, HGV driver, or even a web copywriter. The latter get to write fairly dubious, unobjective articles on the marvels of different professions while remaining hidden behind their screens without even glimpsing another human. Sounds good, right?

Translated by Debbie Garrick

Photo: Welcome to the Jungle

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