Goal setting: How to bounce back when you feel like a failure

Setting goals can be tough, especially when failure feels like a dead end. But according to motivational speaker and author Cara Brookins, failure is often the most valuable step in achieving success. Brookins knows what it means to overcome: after leaving a violent relationship, she built her own house from scratch with the help of her four kids, YouTube tutorials, and sheer determination.

According to Brookins, “Failure just means you tried something really hard.” So, what would happen if you embraced failure instead of fearing it? What if setbacks became stepping stones to your biggest achievements?

Why you shouldn’t fear failure

Failure isn’t something to be ashamed of. In fact, Brookins says it should be celebrated. She gives the example of Sarah Blakely, of Spanx fame, whose dad would ask them every night at the dinner table, “What did you fail at today?”. His goal? To encourage her to try things she might not succeed at.

For Blakely that meant trying things she would probably fail at and realizing she could succeed at them. Brookins herself has failed in business too. “I started an LLC and I had to dissolve it … And they send you a certificate of failure!” Instead of burning it as her kids suggested, she framed it. “How many people never even start?” she asked herself. Every failure brings a lesson, new opportunities, and progress. Celebrate the courage it takes to try, and learn from each setback.

“Do things you don’t think you can succeed at, the more hard things you do, the more hard things you can do.”

Do hard things

We’re out of the habit of doing hard things, Brookins says, but the more challenges you tackle, the more confident you become. “Do hard things. Do things you don’t think you can succeed at, the more hard things you do, the more hard things you can do,” she shares. Hard tasks build the mental muscle you need to face bigger challenges.

If you’ve not done anything hard for some time, Brookins suggests trying a few small ones to get a few successes under your belt before moving on to the big really important ones:

• Cook a recipe you find intimidating.
• Go for a run, even if you’re not a runner.
• Learn a new skill, like painting, by practicing daily for a month.

“When you’re really feeling down, you need that dopamine hit, you need that feeling of success,” Brookins explains. Small wins build your confidence until you define yourself as someone who does hard things.

Set big, motivating goals

Small goals lack the excitement needed to keep you motivated. Brookins argues that big goals drive us forward because they offer a reward worth chasing.

While baby steps are useful when rebuilding after failure, aim higher once you’re ready, she says. Instead of dreaming of a great cup of coffee, imagine drinking your morning coffee in the house of your dreams or on the vacation of a lifetime. A big, clear vision keeps you motivated and focused.

Make your goal ultra-specific

Vague goals like “I want to be healthier” or “I want to earn more money” rarely lead to results. Brookins explains that specificity is critical: your brain works harder to achieve goals you can clearly visualize.

For example:

• Instead of “get fit,” aim to run a marathon or bench press 60kg.
• Instead of “earn more money,” decide exactly how much you want to earn and what you’ll do with it.

Visualization makes goals feel real. When your brain believes you already own that success, you fight harder to hold onto it, Brookins explains.

Cultivate a success mindset

Once you set your giant, ultra-specific goal, Brookins says it’s time to focus on your mindset. She offers actionable strategies to build a success-oriented mindset:

1. Show up as the person you want to become: Dress, act, and think like the version of yourself that has already achieved the goal.
2. Work on your goals daily: Consistency compounds over time. Even small daily progress adds up.
3. Fill your brain with positivity: Listen to podcasts, read books, and surround yourself with people who inspire you.
4. Surround yourself with success: You become the average of the five people you spend the most time with. Choose wisely.
5. Believe in yourself: Self-belief fuels progress. Start by tackling small challenges to build trust in yourself.

Visualize your success

Brookins is a big fan of visualization but believes it often gets a bad rep as a kind of ‘woo-woo’ concept. “It feels a little bit too cheesy, a little bit impossible,” she says. However, visualization isn’t just motivational fluff—it’s backed by science. Brookins explains that when you vividly imagine achieving a goal, your brain starts working to hold onto that feeling. It’s called loss aversion: humans hate to lose things, even imaginary ones.

If you’re not sure where to start, Brookins recommends this visualization exercise:

• Picture yourself achieving your goal daily.
• Feel the emotions and details: the texture of a dream home’s rug, the excitement of holding a marathon medal.
• Let your brain believe you already have it, and work to keep it.

“Failure is a badge of honor in so many ways.”

How to bounce back from failure

Whether you’ve experienced a setback, multiple setbacks, or complete and utter failure, bouncing back is not an easy task. Setting a huge goal can be overwhelming as you’re simply not in a place to do that. Brookins’s advice? Find your way back to zero first. Whether it’s a failed relationship, career move, or personal loss, focus on rebuilding your mental, emotional, and physical strength. She recommends following starting with these three steps:

1. Take time to heal and breathe.
2. Show kindness to yourself; setbacks are part of growth.
3. Start with small, achievable goals to rebuild confidence.

“Failure is a badge of honor,” Brookins says. You tried. How many people never even start?

Ignore the naysayers

When you set crazy big goals, other people tend to start worrying on your behalf. They try to slow you down and reel you in, often from a place of love because they’re trying to protect you. Brookins says it was no different for her with her house project, and the problem is that it goes against the way our brains work. “From a neurological perspective, when we have a new idea we have a rush of chemicals that are funneled towards the area of that brain where that new idea is, and they are ready to launch this into action,” she explains. Tune out the voices of doubt and celebrate the courage it takes to try.

Reframe your inner dialogue

Brookins believes we implant words in our brains and definitions of ourselves that are just not true. Negative self-talk often stems from past experiences: “I’m not that kind of person” or “I’m too shy.” These words become the story we tell ourselves, but they are imaginary and reversible! Try switching up how you describe yourself, for example: “I am someone who takes on challenges” or “I face hard things and succeed”.

Face your worst-case scenario

Fear often stops us from taking action, but Brookins has a tip: ask yourself, what’s the worst that could happen? If you can live with that outcome, then take the risk.

During her house-building project, Brookins and her kids faced a geometry challenge while constructing bathroom walls. Fear paralyzed them. She asked, “What’s the worst-case scenario?” The answer: build it wrong, knock it down, and start over. They realized failure wasn’t worse than doing nothing. If failure leaves you in the same spot as taking no action, what’s stopping you?

Regularly reevaluate your big goals

Goals have to be big and specific but they aren’t set in stone. If you’ve had to take a step back, or you’ve failed, then that’s a good time to reevaluate your goal and ask yourself if that still holds true. Some questions to ask yourself when reevaluating include:

• What do I want my days and weeks to look like?
• Does this goal still excite me?
• What parts of this goal do I love, and what would I change?

Brookins does this every January and May—a chance to reflect and reset.

Keep setting big goals

Setbacks, failures, and trial-and-error are steps on the path to success. Each experience teaches you something new and brings you closer to the life you want.

So, what’s holding you back? Set the biggest, clearest goals you can imagine, take action, and let failure be proof that you tried. In the words of Paulo Coelho, “There is only one thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve: the fear of failure.” Dream big. Fail boldly. Succeed beyond what you thought possible.

Photo: Welcome to the Jungle
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