Not all feedback is good. Here's how to challenge unhelpful criticism

When someone tells you what you’re doing wrong, it’s rarely easy to hear—especially when the feedback leaves you feeling frustrated, defensive, or unsure of what to do next. Even well-intentioned feedback can feel like a challenge, but it’s essential to accept constructive criticism to learn, improve, and ultimately grow in your role. However, not all feedback is created equal. Sometimes, criticism misses the mark, leaving you with vague pointers that don’t actually help you progress. So how can you tell the difference between helpful insights and unconstructive critiques? And what’s the best way to respond to feedback that seems more harmful than helpful?

Why does it matter?

Science tells us that negative feedback outweighs positive feedback by up to five times—it’s just the way we are wired. People who are more sensitive to criticism often suffer from lower self-esteem, depression, pessimism, and neuroticism. So criticism can be hugely detrimental, especially when it’s personal. When describing unconstructive feedback, career coach Camille Van Den Broeck says, “It’s highly damaging; it can really rock people’s confidence, especially if they’re receiving this repeatedly.” She says this is particularly true if the feedback is unclear, as the person is left trying to figure out the problem and often imagining problems where there are none, which can spiral into self-sabotage and leave them frozen. The result? Their performance declines.

What does constructive feedback look like?

But hold on—if you don’t know what good or constructive feedback looks like, how can you tell when the feedback you’re being given isn’t right? Van Den Broeck says the best way to tell if feedback is constructive is if, as the receiver, you feel the feedback is trying to help you succeed. The point of the feedback should be to help you improve and succeed.

She explains that there are two key elements to any constructive feedback: it should be tied to behaviors and be specific. This means that there should be clear, tangible examples of what the person giving the feedback is seeing. “It should give you check-in points, a timeline for when the expectations are to achieve things, and those check-in points should be an opportunity for the receiver to be able to have an interactive discussion around it too,” Van Den Broeck shares.

How can you tell when feedback is unconstructive?

On the flip side, Van Den Broeck shares that unconstructive feedback will lack specificity—it’s vague and lacks measurable actions and progress check-ins. In short, “It’s not going to feel like this person’s trying to help you succeed. It’s going to be more like they’re trying to get you in a gotcha,” Van Den Broeck says.

Here’s an example, “If you‘re getting some kind of general vague feedback [such as] ‘your client relationships aren’t being built strong enough’ … that’s probably the first sign that the feedback is not helpful. Because really the goal of constructive feedback is to help people improve,” Van Den Broeck explains. As the recipient you should feel you have a clear understanding of the issue and exactly the steps to improve on it.

According to Van Den Broeck, you should also be on the lookout for overly critical comments that target your character. Comments like, ‘You’re not strategic enough,’ that lack any kind of examples or suggestions on how to improve are red flags.

How do we address unconstructive feedback?

Now you know how to identify unconstructive feedback, but how do you handle it when you’re on the receiving end? How can you get your point across without sounding defensive, and how can you move forward to a better place with your manager, so the feedback you receive can help you learn and grow rather than destroy your confidence?

1. Thank the person giving the feedback

Thanking someone for their feedback is a good way of acknowledging you have received it and are going to take the time to think about it. It also gives you something to say when you’re not sure how to respond, or what the feedback is really getting at. Van Den Broeck says, “Tell them it’s important to you to understand because the goal is to improve … Then try and turn it into a more collaborative discussion and say ‘What I want to do is make sure I really understand how I can move forward and continue to improve.’”

2. Take a moment

You don’t always have to respond straight away, especially if the feedback is in written form, like an annual review. The chances are you’ll feel emotional and it’s hard to be objective when your emotions are in control. Van Den Broeck’s advice: “Wait, take that moment for mindfulness. We tend to start fixating and getting negative and letting our confidence be impacted when we start thinking about what’s wrong, what we’re not doing right. So if we take a moment of mindfulness it causes you to just focus on the present and you can’t think about all those limiting beliefs.”

It doesn’t have to be anything complicated. For example, Van Den Broeck suggests placing your index fingers together and slowly feeling all the ridges as you rub them together, thinking about the texture, just something to help you get recentered. Once you are calm you can go back and re-examine the feedback to see if there is anything in it that may be helpful to you. In Van Den Broeck’s words, “If you’re feeling really bad about it and it’s not helping you to improve, it’s probably not constructive feedback—but how you react to it is 100% in your control.”

3. Consider they might just be bad at giving feedback

Receiving feedback can be hard, especially when that feedback is critical, we don’t always have much empathy for the person giving the feedback. But giving feedback can be hard too, especially if you’re inexperienced and/or untrained. Van de Brook explains: “A lot of people just don’t know how to give constructive feedback and it’s not necessarily that people are trying to be malicious.” They might be new to the experience themselves or just uncomfortable doing it. When that’s the case, it’s unlikely they’re going to do a good job—they’ll have a tendency to be vague and try to avoid confrontation, but in the end, that’s not helpful to anyone. So just remember it’s not you, it’s them, and don’t take it personally.

4. Get clarity

If the feedback you’re receiving is vague with no real direction, Van Den Broeck suggests asking some of the following:

• Can we talk about some specific ways that I can change my behavior?
• What can I do differently?
• What are the expectations?

Try to have that joint, more collaborative discussion, make it more positive, and try to work out where you go from here to meet their expectations. You can try to shift their feedback to just being more constructive and get it away from personal to more specific behaviors.

5. Consider using a helpful framework like SMART

Once you are clear on what you are trying to achieve, you could formally respond and put it into the SMART framework: often used for goal setting, Van Den Broeck says it’s also really helpful for responding to constructive feedback and setting out a plan of action.

S: You understand what the specific feedback is
M: What you need to do to improve is measurable
A: The steps you need to take are action-oriented and achievable
R: The feedback and action plan are relevant to both the situation and to your overall career progress, ask yourself: how does this align to where you want to be long term?
T: Your plan is time-bound. This means having those progress check-ins, making sure that you’re continuing to keep that conversation going, and having feedback on your progress in a timely manner.

6. Share how you like to receive feedback going forward

Have you managed to turn things around and push back against unconstructive feedback? Have you turned your feedback into a positive by opening up the conversation and getting clarity? Well, then it’s worth taking things a step further and establishing how you like to receive feedback as a rule. According to Van Den Broeck, “Sometimes people forget to think about how, when they deliver feedback, it’s going to land with the person. They will think about, ‘How do I want to receive the feedback?’ So if they appreciate brutal honesty that’s what they’ll go with, but you might prefer more of a sandwich approach with positive praise on either side. You might want feedback directly after a client meeting, when they prefer to do everything in one go at the start of a new week. Establish an open culture by talking to your manager—we don’t all work the same way!

7. Stay positive

Receiving feedback is an important part of learning to improve, so you need to have the right mindset, even when the feedback is negative, even when it’s given badly, and even when it feels downright personal. To help keep a positive mindset Van Den Broeck suggests:

• Look at a previous positive write-up, peer review, or bonus to remind you you’re actually pretty good at what you do.
• Ask a friend what they would say about you. Those positive attributes they love about you like dedication, collaboration, generosity, etc. carry forward into the workplace.
• Make a list of the things you’re good at and leave it somewhere you can see to remind yourself that this is who you are.
• Try tapping into your leader within. Think, what would your inner leader say? What are you doing well? Try not to become overly critical of yourself just because someone else is, especially if the unconstructive feedback you’re getting isn’t based on anything specific, or an opportunity to improve.
• Remember it’s just one person’s opinion ­— it’s easy to slip into your self-doubt and have your confidence impacted, try to keep some perspective.

Her final words on the matter? “Remember that you know yourself better than anyone else, so take some of the feedback with a pinch of salt.”

What to do when it doesn’t work out?

So what if you’ve tried all of the above, you’re still receiving constructive criticism, and you aren’t making any progress in turning that around? You have two options: escalate by going to your manager’s manager or HR, or decide that this workplace isn’t right for you and move on. That may seem drastic, but dealing with unconstructive criticism long-term is likely to affect your mental health, and going over your manager’s head will have consequences of its own. Van Den Broeck recommends you “think about what your ultimate goal is. Because if you are going to escalate something beyond your manager or to HR, you just want to think through, ‘How will this best serve me in my career?’ especially if that’s egregious. You kind of have to weigh the pros and cons, unfortunately.”

If you are going over your manager’s head, keep track of the progress you’ve made and the discussions you’ve had. You want to be able to show you’ve been working with your manager on trying to understand the feedback and improve your performance, so you need documentation, or it will be hard to garner support. That said, everyone deserves the chance to work in an environment where they will thrive.

While none of us really take great joy in hearing what we are doing wrong, it is only by targeting where we need to improve that we can do so. When it comes to feedback, take a deep breath and try to approach it with an open mind. If the feedback feels unconstructive, it probably is, especially if it’s vague. To turn things around, take a moment to think about what your manager is saying, ask questions so you can get clear on what they really mean, are they being vague because they just don’t know how to tell you, or is it that they just don’t like you much? Try working on a plan to move forward and meet the expectations they have, but if things are desperate, remember we tend to thrive in environments where people can get the best out of us. Only you know exactly what is right for you.

Photo: Welcome to the Jungle

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