Unfiltered: How to work with a brutally honest colleague

Some coworkers are outspoken in meetings, with opinions that are both exciting and disruptive. They are the catalysts of passionate debates who turn brainstorming sessions into arguments and say things that we’d be reluctant to repeat. They challenge, question, and inspire, but sometimes, they frustrate, irritate, and test our patience…they’re unfiltered.

Their brutal honesty is refreshing, but it’s also a source of tension and conflict within a team. Sometimes, a pointed comment can save time in decision-making, but it can also undermine the diplomacy needed to maintain a harmonious work environment, which results in discomfort and resentment. So, how do we handle unfiltered colleagues?

When is it problematic?

The ability to express ideas and opinions freely is a valued trait in the professional world. However, some colleagues take it too far, turning their candor into conflict. So, where do you draw the line when it comes to identifying problematic behavior?

1. Interrupting others

In the race to share ideas, some of us are too excited to speak up, interrupting colleagues mid-flow. This creates a competitive climate unconducive to collaboration. Julie, 32, a project manager at a communication agency, experienced this with an older colleague named Mark. “Whenever we have a team meeting, Mark cuts someone off and gives his opinion. His attitude has created a tense atmosphere in the agency. He disrupts meetings and team members feel so ignored and disrespected when he’s around, that now we try to involve him as little as possible.”

2. Blunt judgments

While candor is commendable, there’s a risk of it crossing the line. When our coworkers don’t mince words while expressing disagreement or dissatisfaction, they leave little room for tact. Alexander, 28, a developer at a startup, recalls a heated product presentation with Sophie, a coworker known for her bluntness. “Sophie expresses herself too directly, which shocks me. I still remember a product presentation where she said the project management was ‘a complete mess.’ Her harsh judgments, especially in public, made several team members uncomfortable. It not only affected the morale of the team that had worked on the project for months but also created tension and resentment that lingered long after the meeting.”

3. Constant second-guessing

Some unfiltered colleagues constantly question the team’s decisions. While debate and idea sharing are essential for a project’s success, doubt can undermine team confidence and enthusiasm. Camille, 35, an HR manager, faced this with Paul, an unconventional manager. “I recently started working with him and I discovered he has a habit of reconsidering decisions after they’re made.

The scenario is always the same: we all agree on a strategy and make a decision, and then a while after the meeting, he writes on Slack saying he wants to change everything. This constant second-guessing leads to misunderstanding and conflict within the team. It feels like our efforts to reach a consensus are completely in vain. Because of this, several people have decided to leave the company because they feel like they’re just spinning their wheels.”

When someone shows these behaviors, they’re often labeled “unfiltered.” However, labeling someone is discouraged by Françoise Keller, a certified trainer in Nonviolent Communication (NVC). According to her, a label is a form of violence because “it puts them in a box, diminishing people to a single characteristic.” Saying someone is unfiltered doesn’t help in understanding the issues driving their behavior. Instead, Keller suggests we “describe facts without judgment.”

Practicing Nonviolent Communication

Nonviolent Communication is a process that was developed in the 1960s by American psychologist Marshall Rosenberg. It’s an approach aimed at fostering empathetic and compassionate relationships between individuals while avoiding behaviors and words that can be hurtful or aggressive. Keller, a certified NVC trainer, speaker, and author has a few practices to adopt in order to build better communication.

1. Self-empathy

Self-empathy is a valuable tool for identifying what in a colleague’s behavior affects us and why. “It’s about identifying the trigger, the initiating event, and examining your needs, such as respect, sensitivity, or recognition,” explains Keller. By actively addressing these unmet needs, we create a healthier work environment.

For example, if we discover that sensitivity is crucial for us in a professional environment, Keller suggests, “Adopting strategies to promote this value within the team and the company as a whole.” This could include fostering kind interactions among colleagues, active listening, and expressing our ideas respectfully.

2. Authentic expression

To protect our relationships with our coworkers and instigate change, it’s recommended to address the issue by pointing to a specific behavior that occurred at a particular time. It’s essential that this discussion is respectful and kind. Rather than accusing or judging, state the facts and how they make you feel while remaining open to dialogue and mutual understanding.

“For example, if a colleague changed their mind after an initial agreement in a meeting, you can express your discomfort by stating your need for clarity and commitment.” Check in with them to make sure they’ve understood what you’re saying. Reformulating the conversation helps to avoid misunderstandings.

3. Empathetic listening

Empathetic listening is a key element of NVC and successful collaboration in the workplace. “It involves understanding the unexpressed needs behind the other person’s words and responding constructively,” Keller explains.

It’s important to note that empathetic listening doesn’t necessarily mean accepting or approving the other person’s behavior. On the contrary, it allows us to move beyond disagreements and misunderstandings and find solutions that consider everyone’s needs.

If we feel judged by a coworker, we’ll try to understand what’s behind their words. By openly discussing and actively listening, we can identify common concerns and ways to improve collaboration.

Managing conflict and easing tension

Practicing NVC at work lessens tension, but sometimes it’s necessary to go further to prevent minor disagreements from taking root and affecting the team’s dynamics. Keller has a few tips to ease tension and promote a more peaceful atmosphere at work.

1. Identify issues

Keller compares unresolved tension to sand in the gears of a machine. If not taken care of quickly, this tension can accumulate and cause havoc to the team’s dynamics. “The more we listen to needs, the more we realize that needs are not contradictory. Misunderstanding or frustration, once clarified, can often be managed constructively,” Keller explains. She advises talking about tension as soon as it appears, ideally within 48 hours to prevent it from escalating.

2. Cultivate a listening culture

Having regular discussions about tension within the team can benefit the work atmosphere. Encouraging team members to share their concerns in a structured and respectful setting not only defuses conflict but also strengthens bonds between coworkers. This includes organizing regular meetings where people can freely express their thoughts, feelings, needs, suggestions, and ideas in a safe space. If these meetings aren’t in place yet, talk to your manager about setting them up.

3. Call in a mediator

For situations where tension persists despite internal efforts, Keller recommends calling in a mediator. “Sometimes, an external perspective from a neutral mediator can facilitate mutual understanding and unblock stagnant situations.” This approach is particularly useful when the involved parties struggle to find common ground or when emotions are too intense for effective resolution. In a company, the mediator can be another colleague or a manager, for example.

As Keller aptly puts it, “The NVC process increases our chances of developing relationships that are respectful, where there will be trust, authenticity, listening, and mutual respect.” Using NVC to talk about problematic behaviors in the workplace doesn’t guarantee everyone’s needs will be met, but it ensures everyone is heard and relationships are nurtured through attentive listening and open communication.

Names have been changed

Translater by Lorraine Posthuma

Photo: Welcome to the Jungle

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