5 signs you’re bad at communicating

Communication is essential both at work and at home. We communicate every day in so many ways — we talk to people in person, over video chat, over the phone and then we write emails, blogs, social media, etc. According to career coach Maria Reitan, part of being a good communicator is “understanding the platform you’re on and what the conversation is, and then how to efficiently communicate that and customize it based on the individual you are speaking with.” Reitan believes that communication skills are “the number one thing people should be naturally skilled at, and that’s not necessarily the case.” Want to know if you’re a good communicator? Here are five common mistakes you might be making, alongside Reitan’s expert tips to help you improve.

1. You do most of the talking

According to Reitan, “When we think about communication, most people think of talking and being communicative, but good communication starts with listening and it is an art.” Listening isn’t just about listening to the words being said, it’s also about trying to glean what isn’t being said. Often, once we hear something we can respond to, we start formulating a response in our head, and that means we’re not truly listening to the rest of what the other person has to say.

How do you know?

Reitan warns that people not wanting to engage with you could be a big red flag. Try checking in with yourself to see if you’ve asked a question recently. If you’re asking questions, then you’re involving the other person in the conversation and not just monologuing.

How to fix it?

Be quiet. It seems simple, but if you’re someone who likes to talk, it might be harder than you think. Something Reitan says she learned from her time as a journalist is that when you’re interviewing someone: just be quiet. Let the silence sit and see what comes out. If you haven’t been quiet in a conversation, do that. If you haven’t asked a question, do that. If you’re thinking about what to make for dinner, or mentally ticking off your to-do list, stop and focus on the person in front of you and what they have to say.

2. You fire off a reply before they’ve finished speaking

Never interrupt. It’s rude and it’s arrogant. It implies you think that your thoughts are more important than the other person’s. It’s also totally unprofessional. You may have something great to add, but wait for the person to finish before you do, otherwise, you aren’t truly listening. “I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been in conversation with someone who clearly isn’t listening because they’re already forming what they want to say in return. Then, they interrupt me to get that thought out of their head and that is not empathetic.”

This goes hand in hand with listening. Reitan believes this common mistake is partly due to our 24/7, on-the-go environment. “We’re reacting, we’re not taking a moment to be thoughtful in crafting or verbalizing, we’re not taking a beat to really discern what’s being asked or what the conversation is about and we’re moving straight onto the next thing.” This can lead to misunderstanding because your mind is too busy to stop and let someone else finish.

How do you know?

It might be the annoyed look you see on someone’s face when you butt in, or a sudden realization that you’re always thinking about your own contribution to the conversation. If you pause for a second, this one is obvious.

How to fix it?

Reitan has a simple fix. Before you reply, “Validate what you heard, try something like ‘Here’s what I heard you say, and based on what I heard you say, this is what I think…’ you can also add whatever the follow-up to that is.” Once you validate that you’ve truly understood, anything you say in response to that conversation is going to be aligned with what’s in that person’s head. Think “What am I being asked to do here?” Sometimes you’re just being asked to listen, sometimes you’re being asked for a point of view or an opinion, sometimes they want you to take action.

Reitan believes that if you can apply points one and two, that will already make you a better communicator than most people.

3. You don’t ask questions

Being a good communicator involves listening more than you think. Reitan suggests you cultivate a truly curious mind and ask lots of questions, encouraging other people to speak. “If you’re asking questions, you’re going to get [to] the thing that they didn’t say, the part that they didn’t realize was important.”

How can you tell?

Pay attention to your conversations and track how many questions you ask.

How to fix it?

Be curious. Be empathetic. If you’ve been talking for a while, then hand it off to the other person. Stop yourself, ask for their point of view, how they are, or if there’s anything they want to talk about.

4. You’re unclear

Communication can be trickier in a work environment than in your personal life with people you know and love. There’s a different register to use, and we’re often worried about what others may think of us. Some people use a lot of complicated corporate speech that Reitan describes as “silly and frivolous,” adding that she thinks “we need to show up as our authentic selves in our professional lives, especially now more than ever when we are in hybrid roles or more remote, so we can’t turn a switch as easily anymore. I encourage people to just be human in their communication.”

How do you know?

If you’re speaking with someone and they leave the conversation and do the opposite of what you’ve talked about, then chances are you may not have been clear. Likewise, if they ask a lot of follow-up questions, your clarity may need some work.

How to fix it?

Reitan warns against putting up “a perceived professional front that could actually keep you from creating authentic and engaging relationships that can benefit you professionally.” She explains you should be honest but empathetic. “Don’t apologize or qualify your thoughts, it can undermine your power in a conversation.” Don’t say “just” or “I’m sorry” or defer to others. Be clear in your expectations and ensure people know how you feel. In Reitan’s words, “You can still be inclusive, still bring people along. Be empathetic, but if you have an opinion, state it as your own and with the confidence to let that sit out there so people can react to it.”

5. You don’t adapt to who you’re talking to

According to Reitan, “Communication has to be customized for the individual.” You need empathy to have a good conversation, it’s what makes you listen and helps you to see things from other people’s points of view. It also helps you to know when and how to broach a certain subject.

Don’t be the person who thinks they’re communicating because they walk into a room and say, “Hi, how are you?” before swiftly leaving without waiting for a reply. That doesn’t make you a good communicator.

How do you know?

Ask yourself what you know about the people you work with. What do you know about their lives outside of work? What do they struggle with in their current roles and what do they love? If you can’t answer any of this you need to work more on your empathy.

How to fix it?

Use that incredible sense of curiosity you’ve developed to find out more about other people. Genuinely listen to what they have to say with no agenda and see where it leads you.

Email has its own requirements

A lot of work communication is still done via email, so it’s worth considering your communication style in emails, too. “I’m a bit more formal in my written conversation because those live and breathe well beyond a verbal conversation. I always want to make sure it’s appropriate, human, clear, empathetic, and very specific as to what I want that person to do.”

Want to know if you’re getting it right? Reitan suggests you “Take a look back and analyze your emails. See if you’ve taken a moment to be human, ask yourself if you were clear in what you were trying to communicate. Were you qualifying things too much? Come right out and give somebody the deadline or the ask, be super clear on what you want from them, and then take a moment to close the conversation.”

Mastering the art of communication is something that takes constant practice and awareness. The good news is: because you communicate with people all the time, there are plenty of opportunities to get better. Just keep in mind the five key takeaways:

• Listen
• Validate
• Be curious
• Be clear
• Be empathetic

Photo: Welcome to the Jungle

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