You’ve got this! 50 things we tell ourselves before an interview

There’s nothing quite as stressful as talking to another human under the guise of a job interview, so it’s not surprising that as you’re waiting for the reaper’s bell to toll for the appointed hour, your mind goes a little nuts! Just for fun, here are 50 things that might run through your mind before an interview.

• Recruiters are human too—everybody poops.
• If it goes well, I promise I’ll stop and buy a meal for the next homeless person I see, even if it’s raining.
• I never usually pray, but Dear God, if you’re out there, now’s the time to show me.
• It’s only an hour of my life, then I can go home, order takeout, turn on Netflix, and hide under my duvet ‘til the phone rings.
• Oh no, I think I have a bat in the cave.
• Damn it! I forgot to wear my lucky socks!
• Breathe in 2,3,4, breathe out 2,3,4, relax 2,3,4 … help!
• “Oh I, I will survive!”
• You’re way out of your depth here buddy. I guess you never know, they might mistake you for someone else and give you the job!
• Eeek! There’s something stuck in my teeth, how do I get it out without looking weird?
• “I need a dollar, dollar, dollar, that’s what I need! Hey! Hey!”
• Key skills for the role – check. Recruiter’s life story – check. What company is this interview for again?
• Sweat patches: check!
• Maybe they’ll have to cancel at the last minute, that’d be good…
• Is that guy who just walked out of their office my competition? I’m screwed!
• This is about me testing them too, not just them testing me.
• Worst case scenario, at least you got a free cup of coffee while you waited.
• Minty fresh breath? Check.
• Remember what Uncle Toby said, ‘If they ask about your weaknesses, you’re a perfectionist!’ God bless Uncle Toby!
• Interview in 6 hours. Interview in 5 hours. Interview in 4 hours. Interview in 3 hours. Interview in 2 hours. Interview in 1 hour. Interview in half an hour! Interview in 5 mins! INTERVIEW ANY SECOND NOW!! Help!
• Should I lie about my current salary? $20k more than I earn is probably a bit of a stretch …
• Who’s the best? I am!
• At least my mom loves me.
• I don’t think people really get me.
• It’s time to put into practice all the stuff I’ve learned by reading articles on Welcome to the Jungle!
• As soon as the recruiter appears, they’ll be under my spell. I’ll tell them my huge salary expectations and sign the contract there and then.
• Actually, I think I’m ok in my current job. Ok, I’m underpaid and on the verge of burnout but I can handle it … Why would I put myself through this?! I’m going to cancel.
• Why is swallowing my own saliva like trying to pass a knife right now, and what the heck’s going on with my stomach?
• Should I ask if I can go on holiday in two months’ time right off the bat? What on earth possessed me to buy non-refundable flights?
• Knowing my luck the city will be gridlocked the one day I need to be somewhere on time.
• It’s going to start any minute now and I still don’t know if I should shake hands or not, ahhh!
• 3:28. Oh good I’m two minutes early should I go in now? No, I’ll wait, but if I wait too long by the time I tell them who I am it’ll be 3:31 and then I’m late! Ok, breathe.
• What happens if I go bright red? What if my words come out all mixed up? Or if I get some weird eye tick going on? Where should I look? What if I trip? Will they all stand around laughing and pointing at me? What if I die?
• Should I take the bus and risk being late or ride my bike and end up all sweaty? What’s worse?
• I so shouldn’t have had tuna for lunch—tuna breath alert.
• That gaping hole in my resume? An alien abduction—it could happen to anyone!
• Repeat after me: “Can you tell me a bit about yourself? Of course! I’m George …” But they already know that. I’m such an idiot. “I’m … I’m …” I’ve forgotten who I am. That doesn’t bode well.
• They might think I’m incredible.
• They might think I’m useless.
• Can’t wait to retire.
• Let’s put it into perspective: there was the Big Bang, then planets, then cells started to grow and mutate and get smarter and now here we are, and this will have no bearing on the history of the world … do I feel better yet?
• They need you more than you need them, it’s your choice to be here.
• Apparently, your whole life flashes before your eyes when you’re about to have a job interview.
• “I was looking for a job and then I found a job and heaven knows I’m miserable now.” If The Smiths had it right, what am I doing here?
• The recruiter’s wearing sneakers, you’re kidding me! My suit & tie was maybe a bit too much.
• The plan was: humans create AI, AI replaces humans—so what exactly am I here for?
• My telepathic skills are a little rusty but I swear that employee just said, “Whatever you do, don’t come and work here. Run for your life!”
• I said hello to everyone and even apologized to the plant in the doorway for knocking into it. Good manners, check!
• They’re a minute late? Ok maybe this is a test, I‘ll show them I have nerves of steel!
• We’re all going to die at some point …

Translated by Debbie Garrick

Photo: Welcome to the Jungle

Follow Welcome to the Jungle on Facebook, LinkedIn, and Instagram, and subscribe to our newsletterto get our latest articles every week!